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We Say the Darndest Things
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Ron White: "I Had the Right to Remain Silent… but I Didn't Have the Ability."
Tom Segura: "I’M Married and My Wife Is Very Happy About That."
Mindy Kaling: "I’M Constantly Amazed by How Different My Body Is Now That I’M Not Getting up at 4:30 in the Morning."
Lewis Black: "Republicans Are a Party With Bad Ideas and Democrats Are a Party With No Ideas."
Larry David: "A Date Is an Experience You Have With Another Person That Makes You Appreciate Being Alone."
Richard Jeni: "Do You Know What It Means to Come Home at Night to a Woman Who’Ll Give You a Little Love, a Little Affection, a Little Tenderness? It Means You’Re in the Wrong House, That’S What It Means."
Garry Shandling: "My Friends Tell Me I Have an Intimacy Problem. but They Don’T Really Know Me."
Jimmy Carr: "Throwing Acid Is Wrong, in Some People’S Eyes."
Louis C.K.: "Everything’S Amazing Right Now, and Nobody’S Happy."
Dane Cook: "When You’Re Young, You Look at Television and Think, ‘There’S a Conspiracy. the Networks Have Conspired to Dumb Us Down.’ but When You Get a Little Older, You Realize That’S Not True. the Networks Are in Business to Give People Exactly What They Want."
Hannibal Buress: "You Can Call Me by My First Name: Mr. Buress."
Janeane Garofalo: "I Don't Have Pets. I Have a Dog. What Am I Going to Say, 'I'm Getting Rid of the Dog and Getting Some Pets?'"
Dave Attell: "I Ran Three Miles Today. Finally, I Said, 'Lady, Take Your Purse.'"
Margaret Cho: "Love Is an Incredibly Strong Emotion and for Some People, It’S Just a Joke."
Jerry Seinfeld: "What Is a Date, Really, but a Job Interview That Lasts All Night?"
Nick Offerman: "There’S Only One Thing I Hate More Than Lying: Skim Milk. Which Is Water That’S Lying About Being Milk."
Tiffany Haddish: "Laughing Has Always Been a Way for Me to Release Tension and Keep My Cool."
Demetri Martin: "I Used to Play Sports. Then I Realized You Can Buy Trophies. Now I Am Good at Everything."
Kathleen Madigan: "I Don't Have a Bank Account Because I Don't Know My Mother's Maiden Name."
Maria Bamford: "My Therapist Says I Have a Preoccupation With Vengeance. We'll See About That."
David Spade: "There Are Only Three Ages for Women in Hollywood: Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy."
Wanda Sykes: "I’M a Big Believer in Accepting Yourself and Not Really Worrying About It."
Chelsea Peretti: "A Lot of People Mistake New York for a City, When Really It’S a Giant Mall With a Bunch of Parking Problems."
Eddie Murphy: "I’M Not a Regular Guy. I’M a Man-Child."
Patton Oswalt: "At Some Point in Your Life, You’Re Gonna Have to Turn to the Person Next to You and Ask Them if They Know How to Take Out the Batteries in a Smoke Detector."
Stephen Wright: "I Intend to Live Forever. so Far, so Good."
Bill Burr: "You Have No Idea How Long a Year Is Until You’Re Stone-Cold Sober."
Joan Rivers: "I Don't Exercise. if God Had Wanted Me to Bend Over, He Would Have Put Diamonds on the Floor."
Kevin Hart: "Everybody Wants to Be Famous, but Nobody Wants to Do the Work."
Ricky Gervais: "I Once Farted in an Elevator. It Was Wrong on so Many Levels."
Aziz Ansari: "No One Over the Age of 11 Should Be Wearing Crocs."
Tig Notaro: "In the Beginning, There Was Nothing. God Said, 'Let There Be Light!' and There Was Light. There Was Still Nothing, but You Could See It a Whole Lot Better."
Bill Hicks: "It's Always Funny Until Someone Gets Hurt. Then It's Just Hilarious."
Jim Gaffigan: "There’S a Lot of 'Voluntary' Fasting Going on … I Just Call It Skipping Breakfast."
Richard Pryor: "I’M Not Addicted to Cocaine. I Just Like the Way It Smells."
Amy Schumer: "I'm Very Old School. I Believe That Sex Should Be Saved for After Marriage. That Way, It Can Be Used as a Weapon."
Louis C.K.: "‘I'm Bored’ Is a Useless Thing to Say. You Live in a Great, Big, Vast World That You've Seen None Percent Of."
Chris Rock: "You Don’T Pay Taxes—They Take Taxes."
Jerry Seinfeld: "A Two-Year-Old Is Kind of Like Having a Blender, but You Don't Have a Top for It."
Robin Williams: "Do You Think God Gets Stoned? I Think So… Look at the Platypus."
George Carlin: "I Think It's the Duty of the Comedian to Find Out Where the Line Is Drawn and Cross It Deliberately."
Mitch Hedberg: "I Used to Do Drugs. I Still Do, but I Used To, Too."
Bill Clinton: "I Don’T Know Whether It’S the Finest Public Housing in America or the Crown Jewel of the American Penal System."
Bill Clinton: "The Road to Tyranny, We Must Never Forget, Begins With the Destruction of the Truth."
Bill Clinton: "You Can't Say You Love Your Country and Hate Your Government."
Bill Clinton: "I May Not Have Been the Greatest President, but I've Had the Most Fun Eight Years."
George W. Bush: "You Teach a Child to Read, and He or Her Will Be Able to Pass a Literacy Test."
Bill Clinton: "Being President Is Like Running a Cemetery: You've Got a Lot of People Under You and Nobody's Listening."
George W. Bush: "I Hear There's Rumors on the Internets."
George W. Bush: "I Know How Hard It Is for You to Put Food on Your Family."
Bill Clinton: "I Experimented With Marijuana a Time or Two, and I Didn’T Like It. I Didn’T Inhale and Never Tried It Again."
George W. Bush: "Families Is Where Our Nation Finds Hope, Where Wings Take Dream."
Bill Clinton: "You Know, if I Were a Single Man, I Might Ask That Mummy Out. That’S a Good-Looking Mummy!"
George W. Bush: "Too Many Good Docs Are Getting Out of the Business. Too Many OB-GYNS Aren't Able to Practice Their Love With Women All Across This Country."
Donald Trump: "I Think That Would Qualify as Not Smart, but Genius….And a Very Stable Genius at That!"
Bill Clinton: "It Depends Upon What the Meaning of the Word 'Is' Is."
George W. Bush: "There's an Old Saying in Tennessee—I Know It's in Texas, Probably in Tennessee—That Says, Fool Me Once, Shame On—Shame on You. Fool Me—You Can't Get Fooled Again."
Donald Trump: "I'm a Very Stable Genius."
Bill Clinton: "I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Woman, Miss Lewinsky."
George W. Bush: "They Misunderestimated Me."
Donald Trump: "I Know More About ISIS Than the Generals Do. Believe Me."
George W. Bush: "I Know the Human Being and Fish Can Coexist Peacefully."
Donald Trump: "Windmills Are the Greatest Threat in the US to Both Bald and Golden Eagles. Media Claims Fictional ‘Global Warming’ Is Worse."
George W. Bush: "Rarely Is the Question Asked: Is Our Children Learning?"
Donald Trump: "The Concept of Global Warming Was Created by and for the Chinese in Order to Make U.S. Manufacturing Non-Competitive."
George W. Bush: "Our Enemies Are Innovative and Resourceful, and so Are We. They Never Stop Thinking About New Ways to Harm Our Country and Our People, and Neither Do We."
Donald Trump: "You Have to Treat 'Em Like Shit."
Donald Trump: "I Could Stand in the Middle of Fifth Avenue and Shoot Somebody and I Wouldn’T Lose Any Voters."
Donald Trump: "Why Do We Want All These People From 'Shithole Countries' Coming Here?"
Joe Biden: "Corn Pop Was a Bad Dude and He Ran a Bunch of Bad Boys."
Donald Trump: "I Just Start Kissing Them. It's Like a Magnet. Just Kiss. I Don’T Even Wait. and When You’Re a Star, They Let You Do It. You Can Do Anything."
Joe Biden: "I Got Hairy Legs That Turn Blonde in the Sun."
Barack Obama: "The Private Sector Is Doing Fine."
Barack Obama: "We’Re the Country That Built the Intercontinental Railroad."
Joe Biden: "We Choose Truth Over Facts."
Biden Vs. Trump: the First Debate of 2024
Joe Biden: "I Mean, You Got the First Mainstream African-American Who Is Articulate and Bright and Clean and a Nice-Looking Guy. I Mean, That's a Storybook, Man."
Barack Obama: "If You Like Your Health Care Plan, You Can Keep It."
Joe Biden: "You Cannot Go to a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin' Donuts Unless You Have a Slight Indian Accent. I'm Not Joking."
Barack Obama: "I’Ve Now Been in 57 States—I Think One Left to Go."
Joe Biden: "Poor Kids Are Just as Bright and Just as Talented as White Kids."
Rodney Dangerfield: "I Told My Wife the Truth. I Told Her I Was Seeing a Psychiatrist. Then She Told Me the Truth: That She Was Seeing a Psychiatrist, Two Plumbers, and a Bartender."
David Letterman: I Cannot Sing, Dance or Act What Else Would I Be but a Talk Show Host
George Carlin: I Was Thinking About How People Seem to Read the Bible a Lot More as They Get Older Then It Dawned on Me—They're Cramming for Their Final Exam
Woody Allen: I'm Not Afraid of Death I Just Don't Want to Be There When It Happens
Joe Biden: "If You Have a Problem Figuring Out Whether You're for Me or Trump, Then You Ain't Black."
John Mulaney: "My Mom Would Say to Me, 'You Can’T Say That!' and I Would Say, 'Yes, I Can.'"
Ali Wong: "I Don’T Want to Lean In. I Want to Lie Down."
Dave Chappelle: "You Know You Must Be Doing Something Right if Old People Like You."
Russell Brand: "The Most Important Thing You Can Do as a Performer Is to Be Yourself, or Be an Egomaniac."
Louis C.K.: "When a Kid Says 'It's Not Fair' You Say, 'No Kidding. Get Used to That.'"
Jennifer Lawrence: "I'm Excited to Be at the Oscars. I'm Wearing Valentino, I Took a Valium, and I'm Very Excited."
Jonah Hill: "I Think There’S No Way That You Can Really Sort of Put a Stamp on Your Work. if Something’S Funny, It’S Funny."
Ricky Gervais: "I’M Not a Doctor but I Know Something About Medicine: if You’Re 42 and You Have a Cold, You Don’T Need Antibiotics—You Need to Grow Up."
Chris Pratt: "Just Be Yourself and Forget All of the Stuff You Read in 'Gq' Magazine."
Melissa Mccarthy: "I Feel Like Any Time I Take on a Project, It's a Risk."
Leslie Jones: "I’M Funny Because I Have a Lot of Rage."
Kevin James: "There's No Better Feeling in the World Than a Warm Pizza Box on Your Lap."
Sarah Silverman: "I’M Really Open to Anything That Will Help My Career."
Chelsea Handler: "I Think We Should All Be Allowed to Fail at Least One Class in High School Without Feeling Like Our Future Is Ruined."
Steve Carell: "The Worst Part About Being a Kid Is That There Are No Free Samples at Costco."
Mindy Kaling: "I Say if You Love Something, Let It Go. if It Comes Back, It Was Meant to Be. if It Doesn't, Stalk It Until You’Re Dead."
Kevin Hart: "Everybody Wants to Be Famous, but Nobody Wants to Do the Work. I Live by That."
Drew Carey: "You Know That Look That Women Get When They Want Sex? Me Neither."
David Spade: "Sometimes I Wish I Had a Terrible Childhood, so That at Least I’D Have an Excuse."
Reese Witherspoon: "I Think Women Are Not Allowed to Talk About Age. It’S Weird. Because Men Can Talk About It All They Want, and Women Can’T."
Bill Murray: "I’M a Nut, but Not Just a Nut."
Kristen Wiig: "I Wish I Could Say I'm a Good Cook, but I Think You Need to Be an Adult to Be a Good Cook."
Jimmy Fallon: "Thank You, People Who Say 'Wow, You're Really Photogenic,' for Not Saying What You Really Mean: 'Wow, You're Really Ugly in Person.'"
Amy Poehler: "I Think We Should Stop Asking People in Their 20S What They 'Want to Do' and Start Asking Them What They Don’T Want to Do."
Zach Galifianakis: "I Haven't Been Working Out. I Eat a Lot of Sweets. I Have an Inability to Say 'No' to Sugar."
Conan O'brien: "A New Study Found That the Key to a Happy Marriage Is the Number of Times Couples Have Sex. the Key Is to Keep Track of the Number of Times."
Eddie Murphy: "I've Always Had Confidence. It Came Because I Have Lots of Initiative. I Wanted to Make Something of Myself."
Mae West: "You Only Live Once, but if You Do It Right, Once Is Enough."
Chris Rock: "There Are Only Three Things Women Need in Life: Food, Water, and Compliments."
Jerry Lewis: "People Hate Me Because I Am a Multifaceted, Talented, Wealthy, Internationally Famous Genius."
Jim Carrey: "Behind Every Great Man Is a Woman Rolling Her Eyes."
Bette Midler: "I Always Try to Balance the Light With the Heavy—A Few Tears of Human Spirit in With the Sequins and the Fringes."
Jon Stewart: "The Internet Is Just a World Passing Around Notes in a Classroom."
Betty White: "Why Do People Say 'Grow Some Balls'? Balls Are Weak and Sensitive. if You Wanna Be Tough, Grow a Vagina. Those Things Can Take a Pounding."
Phyllis Diller: "Housework Can't Kill You, but Why Take a Chance?"
Lucille Ball: "The Secret to Staying Young Is to Live Honestly, Eat Slowly, and Lie About Your Age."
Bob Hope: "I Don't Feel Old. I Don't Feel Anything Until Noon. Then It's Time for My Nap."
Jerry Seinfeld: "It's Amazing That the Amount of News That Happens in the World Every Day Always Just Exactly Fits the Newspaper."
Steve Martin: "A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, You Know, Night."
Robin Williams: "Spring Is Nature's Way of Saying, 'Let's Party!'"
Billy Crystal: "Women Need a Reason to Have Sex. Men Just Need a Place."
Tina Fey: "I Always Say, 'Don't Make Plans, Make Options.'"
Joan Rivers: "I Don't Exercise. if God Had Wanted Me to Bend Over, He Would Have Put Diamonds on the Floor."
Groucho Marx: "I Refuse to Join Any Club That Would Have Me as a Member."
Will Rogers: "I Don't Make Jokes. I Just Watch the Government and Report the Facts."
Ellen Degeneres: "My Grandmother Started Walking Five Miles a Day When She Was Sixty. She’S Ninety-Seven Now, and We Don’T Know Where the Heck She Is."
Christina Aguilera: Seemingly Unaware of the Permanent Location of the Cannes Film Festival, She Asked, "So, Where’S the Cannes Film Festival Being Held This Year?" Indicating a Moment of Disconnect About the Event's Traditional Setting in Cannes, France
Jessica Simpson: in a Moment of Confusion, She Famously Questioned, "Is This Chicken or Is This Fish? I Know It’S Tuna but It Says ‘Chicken of the Sea’." This Mix-Up Between the Brand Name and the Actual Content Became a Classic Moment
Kanye West: Known for His Unique Takes, Kanye Expressed, "I Actually Don’T Like Thinking. I Think People Think I Like to Think a Lot. and I Don’T. I Don’T Like to Think at All." This Was an Oddly Honest Reflection on His Thought Process
Paris Hilton: When Discussing Her Travels, She Remarked, "No, No, I Didn’T Go to England, I Went to London." This Comment Displayed a Humorous Confusion Between a City and the Country It's Located in
Britney Spears: "I’Ve Never Really Wanted to Go to Japan. Simply Because I Don’T Like Eating Fish. and I Know That’S Very Popular Out There in Africa." This Geographical Mix-Up Left Many Puzzled About Her Understanding of Global Cultures
